Re: Hurt it, now worse
Written by Robin at 01 Jun 2006 19:12:39:
As an answer to: Re: Hurt it, now worse written by Stevo at 26 May 2006 23:42:38:
Hi Stevo,
So, anaesthetic cream - my only bit of positive advice - doesnt appeal to you?
I didnt want pain killers, I would have needed several bottles and this would have numbed my brain probably far before it reached the nether regions round my groin. Please try anaesthetic cream, you have nothing to lose and it may help.
Your girl friend sounds lovely. Wish I had her. ... I would think of all the other things which make female company so wonderful ... maybe because Im so many years into the whole trauma - Ive adapted - I still get frustrated and depressed when I see pretty girls. Ive noticed that I really love pretty girls, whereas previously I got horny about sexy girls. These days sexy girls are out of reach. Pretty girls remind me Ive got a heart and maybe you could say they bring out the Christian in me.
I appreciate your shame and misery, I appreciate most of what you are saying, I went through a lot of it, ... Im glad you dont want to freak me out because I have no expertise in advising suicide cases ... only you can always do that later (not very professional advice) first just try and see what possibilities life still has open for you - and with such a nice girl friend, Im sure you are missing out on more than you need to.
I think: If you cant get your mind OFF the subject, then you gotta concentrate ON it. And you got me thinking about something else which definately helped me, but I dont know if it would be any use to you.
I always liked the old chinese Taoist philosophy - between about 600BC and 600AD. Ancient Chinese thinking on sexuality was completely different to ours, they have a very balanced and healthy view of sex.
The best introduction to this thinking which I have ever read was from Jolan Chang "The Tao of Love" (NOT "the Tao of loving couples" his second book and rubbish in comparison)
I know its a very calming book, it will slow you down and give you something else but related to think about – please get a copy, I think its worth a try.
Its the sort of thing which I would love to have known as a healthy 20 yr. old but nowadays I wouldnt ever tell any healthy egoistic guy, because Im mean! and they have enough advantage over me anyway – but some of the thoughts just give me a bit of an edge over normal male thinking ...
I think this is a good thought for you - If you cant get your mind OFF the subject, then you gotta concentrate ON it. You gotta use your brain, and get practical and not worry, think with as much common sense as possible, (its so easy to get overwhelmed, hysterical and wound up and then become impractical).
Write me anything you want to - but as well as doing that, - think practically, when do you see the next urologist? how are your parents coping with you? do they know about me? and go get some anaesthetic cream! ... and I think your girl friend deserves some flowers.
I cant help identifying with your feelings, I remember my own, but I cant think of anything else helpful ... I believe you/we have to focus on other things ... for a while at least, maybe you will get better - in a couple of months ...
Good Luck
Robin
>I don't know that I need anesthetic cream. My pain isn't excruciating in a physical sense. It never goes away, and evertyhing i do seems to hurt it worse, but it's manageable pain, aside from the fact that it's tied directly to my heart and my mind. I don't need pain killers. It can be very hard for me. Sometimes when I see a pretty girl I break out in a cold sweat, because I know I'd dissapoint her.
>Harder still is to think about my girl. I love her so much, I once made love to her in the way she deserved, now i'm a broken young man. I know the lovers she had before me never had this problem. I know that they were able to give her what i can't. She's so beautiful, when i look at her i feel so ashamed that her beauty is wasted on me. She's loved me, she's stood by me. I once nearly broke things off with her, i told her that it wouldn't be right to bind her to me in my sadness. Maybe that's right. She told me she wouldn't go.
>I believe she will one day, and i don't blame her for it. I've lost one of the best things in life, she doesn't have to as well. Even if she can accept this change (and she shouldn't have to) the fact is I've changed too, greatly. I'm a shell of a man.
>I've given it a lot of thought, and i have no wish to be dramatic, or to be freak anyone out, but i've decided that if this thing can't be made right i'm going to end my life.
>Maybe I'm too young for this problem, maybe I have to great a focus on this, or maybe i'm just weak, but i can't live like this my whole life. I can barely breathe, and i'm so scared and ashamed all the time.
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